Dun Dun Dun
by SunshineandDaisys
Summary: Oneshot: Deep within Hogwart's twisting corridors, a dangerous and passionate romance is brewing in the cauldron... Harry's cauldron. Dun dun dun!


**Disclaimer** Fried bananas!

**A/N** Wow! I never thought I'd ever post anything in the Harry Potter fandom, cause I don't read any of it, really. But I was talkin' on the phone to my good friend AsterRaven, and we started making fun of Star Wars, which inevitably led to Harry Potter jokes (they just logicially follow each other, what can I say?). And since I use any excuse available to write in play script... :D

It's really hard to believe, still. But here I am with this little piece of insanity. Posting it. In the Harry Potter fandom. Yup. I'ma postin' it. In the Harry Potter fandom. No doubt about it. Just a postin' it---

(BANGSMASHBOOMNYAHAHACRASH)

Sorry 'bout that guys! Had to get rid of my Auhtors Note robot. Heh. Damn thing. Though why you're reading this thing is beyond me, the Authors Note I mean. I'm obviously running on little more than sugar and giggles. Giggles being an abstract noun, not a concrete one. So really, just on air, I guess. (giggles)

* * *

_Dun Dun Dun_

* * *

_It is the twenty-third week of November, according to Professor Dumbledore, and love is in the air. Cupid may have insisted on it being in February, but Hogwarts, as per usual, went against the rules. And didn't get busted. The little buggers._

Harry: (talking on a phone made of a rubber chicken and pixie dust) -ione, my schnookum's! I wuv you! Yes I do! No, I wuv you more!

Ron: (wandering around for lack of other sidekick-y things to do, overhearing Harry's conversation)

Harry: No, I wuv yo--(pause) Well, naturally. We'll have to keep it a secret from Ron, and you can't tell anyone else! Yes, yes, I do love you! Buh-bye darling! (hangs up and phone disappears in a puff of orange smoke)

Ron: (jumps to conclusions and stalks off)

* * *

Harry: (talking to Hermione in corridor, not hallway, cause that wouldn't be cool enough) Oh yes, I quite agree. Quantum Physics is so yesterday's science.

Hermione: Most definitely, to be sure. Why even bother with it, I say!

Harry: (nodnod) You make such a good point, I must say I agree so very much wi--

Ron: (takes running start) DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE! (plows into Harry like a linebacker)

Hermione: (gasp) You two are so childish! I can't believe you! I'm going to read in the library - _alone_! (stomps off)

Harry: What was that for!

Ron: Oh, nothing. Just saw a spider on you. You know what -insert new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher here- is always saying about conquering our fears.

Harry: Oh, yes. Very good then.

Ron: (lowers head so bangs cover eyes as Harry walks off) Kukukuku...

* * *

Harry: (sitting in a dark room reading) Oh dear, Scarlet, don't fall for that scoundrel!

Ron: (creeping around in the dark with a rock) OoOoOoOo! Harry... I've come to GET you! OoOoOo!

Harry: (squeaks and slams book shut) Oh no! The ghost of my old hamster Nibbles! I should never have fed him that hamburger, I just knew it!

Ron: (trips) Ow!

Harry: (has sudden flash of common sense) Lumos! (lights come on to expose Ron lying face flat on the floor with a rock beside him) Great Scott! Ron, are you alright!

Ron: (into carpet) Another spider.

Harry: Ah. I understand. Carry on then.

* * *

Harry: (once again in the dark, talking on MM - Magical Messenger - in the computer room he found just the other day) I do love this book, Seamus, but I'm afraid with all of the spider ruckus Ron's been on about, I haven't read more than ten pages in the past three days! (pause) Don't you dare tell me the ending!

Ron: (creeping up behind him with a shovel in hand)

Harry: Oh gods, just tell me! Does she marry that Rhett-bastard!

Ron: (can't help it; lets out an evil laugh as he raises the shovel behind Harry - and yes, his eyes are glowing demonically from the glow of the computer screen) MUWAHAHAHA!

Harry: (grabs book beside him and whips around, arms flailing to bookslap Ron across the face) No! Don't eat me, Nibbles, I'm so sorry! (drops book and runs out of room)

Ron: (comatose on the floor)

* * *

Ron: (runs into Harry's room with a butcher knife) DIE, YOU FILTHY BASTARD!

Harry: (just putting on his night cap) Meep!

Ron: (holds knife at Harry's neck) What've you to say for yourself!

Harry: You aren't Nibbles! I mean, what're you doing, Ron!

Ron: Getting you back for stealing Hermione away from me!

Harry: I did no such thing!

Ron: But I heard you on the phone!

Harry: (blushes) Well, you see, Ron...

Filch: (walks out of bathroom in negligee) Oh Harry-poo, your Filchy-hione is ready for some lov--(sees Ron) Oh, dear.

Ron: This is going to scar me for life, isn't it?

Harry: Indeed.

* * *

_Fin_

* * *

**End A/N** What can I say? XD Firstly, as I told my beta (cause she doesn't live in these parts), the way Harry was saying 'hione' is actually 'honey' if you say it Southern enough. Try it. Seriously. It makes sense.

Secondly, I've no idea if there's really a Harry/Filch fandom out there, but it wouldn't surprise me if there was. I'd have to laugh if I ever saw a serious one, though. (snort) I mean, no offense, but if you're writing Harry Potter slash, just do it right. Harry/Draco or something. Cause I can see it with Draco, he's wussy. XD XD XD

Review?


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